and then I realized.....that's why I need to write this post.
I hear so much that mental health "is viewed differently these days" and that we are "conquering stigma".... yet people still feel like they can't talk about mental health and there is very good reason for that. Society knows depression and anxiety are extremely common, yet we tell people to "get over it", "just find something that makes you feel good/calm" or tell people they "don't really have it that bad". We know domestic violence is extremely complex yet we still shake our heads at the women who "don't just leave". We raise funds and awareness for veterans with PTSD but forget that other trauma survivors are still at war. We tell anyone who talked about suicide and didn't do it that they're "crying for attention". We tell kids getting bullied to "just ignore it" and wonder why they kill themselves or self-harm. Mobs of people speak ill of anti-depressants and the like and guilt people for doing what they can to feel better.
Yeah, and it's great we have #BellLetsTalk, but today I'm going to say thanks for your one day per year of 140 character mental health stats, and how about #LetsKeepTalking.
I have dealt with and still deal with my share of mental health challenges since I was a teenager, and I was extremely fortunate to grow up in a household where I was made to feel that things like depression and anxiety were normal and manageable. But for me, that sense of normal stopped every day when I walked out my front door. My "friends" told the whole school about my medication, and people whispered behind my back about how I was crazy or obsessed with my ex. Friends quickly stopped trying to hang out with me because I was a "downer". Teachers became frustrated with my lack of concentration or my superstar ability to bomb a test 100% of the time, even if I was doing well in class. No one made me feel normal.
And you know what? I'm not angry. How could people make me feel normal if they didn't understand what I was going through? How could they relate if they had no idea what to relate to? And how could they ever learn if no one feels like they can talk about it enough to teach anyone? They couldn't have. And that's okay. That's what made me a person who made it my life's work to fight for people who feel trapped and hopeless. But it did not feel good. It felt lonely, and angry, and dark and cloudy. And that wasn't a choice. What I chose to do was find a way to start feeling better, and when I slipped up and had a bad day, when the days were still cloudy no matter how hard I tried, that wasn't a choice either. That's probably my favourite thing people say about mental health-- that it's a choice. Just go get some sunshine on your face and choose to have a good day. Just like if you're diagnosed with cancer you can just go on a nature retreat and come back and you're cancer free, right?
I hate to sound rude and sarcastic, but I want to stress the contrast here. Yes, an element of choice lies in taking the steps to be well, but no one who struggles with mental health, with any health in general, chose to be in the position where they have to take those steps. Lots of people don't always have to choose to be well, they just feel it, and that's where the misconception lies. If you've never had to make that choice, you probably figure it's as easy as you feel, and that totally makes sense. But no one wakes up one day and says "I would really really like to feel like I can't get out of bed and no one likes me today-- that will be great. Then tomorrow I'll schedule drinks on the patio with Jill." If someone thinks I chose to watch my mother get run over in front of me and chose to have trauma issues and flashbacks and control issues for the 4 years following, they must be into some weird masochistic crap in the bedroom, because I can't imagine anyone choosing that pain (but hey, whatever floats your boat, queen). If someone thinks I chose to be in a domestic violence situation, and I now choose to struggle in my relationship with my current incredible, loving boyfriend because of trust issues from that terrible past situation, they are very very wrong. I did not choose to feel the way I feel about the things that have happened to me in the past, nor did I choose to be anxious or depressed as a teen. But I do choose to do something about it every day, and today I choose to speak out and give courage to those who feel that they can't make that choice.
So let's answer those burning questions from before I chose to write this entry.
Do I really want everyone to know how I've struggled? The people who love me are proud of how far I've come, despite what I had to go through to get here. I love myself and am proud of myself too, and I wish at the time of going through every time I've felt down or unhealthy I could have read something like this to know that everyone struggles: it's just a matter of knowing when you're struggling.
What if people think this is a cry for attention? I cannot change what people think, so to those who think I want attention, sure, go ahead and think that. It took a lot of courage to write this post, but I can understand that someone who hasn't lived my life might not get that. I didn't even want my own family to know that I felt this way for years, but I've realized that talking about it not only helps me, but inspires others who may feel afraid like I did. And maybe they aren't quite wrong: I'm here to give attention to the people who are feeling alone and messed up and completely hopeless. I'm crying out to bring attention to the "conquered stigma" that has a long way to go.
......Though really if you'd like to give me attention go ahead and like some of my recent selfies I am KILLIN' IT lately.
What if no one believes me? That's alright. Even the people who know me and love me would probably rather believe I haven't been through some of the things I have. So would I! But as someone who is part of this global movement to create change, especially regarding mental health and stigma, I like to think about which side of the issue I'd be on if I told someone I don't believe the problem exists.
What if people think I'm a bad social worker? They're wrong. I take care of my own mental health before and after I help someone to take care of theirs. I do not let my own experience solely dictate my practise, and all it has done is help to improve my empathy and my insight. I know that everyone experiences life differently, and not once have I assumed I knew how to help a client because I understood their experience; I know I don't.
Like I said, I truly believe everyone is a little messed up in some way, some how. It's just a matter of accepting what makes me messed up and embracing and managing it. That's what I'm doing, and I hope to inspire many others to do the same, as well as help the people who have never struggled with their mental health to understand mental illness a little better.
This song is the song I have listened to a lot lately, and it speaks to me so much about my choice to face who I am and learn to manage what makes me want to turn away.
Take care of yourself, and take care of each other! Oh, and don't forget to sparkle.
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