Friday 23 December 2016

Glitzmas




(Source: http://giphy.com/gifs/confetti-CkjLYrYBIAily)


I'm Baaaaaaaack!



Yes, it's been quite a while, but what better time to give you a glimpse into my remarkable sparkling mess than Christmas!

Christmas, a time for spending time with the people you love, for giving, for hope and cheer, for bickering, for burning food, for emerging alcoholism. Christmas is my favorite mess of year. Especially as a new homeowner and with a wedding that I'm already planning way too early, this Christmas has been the most hectic and hilarious of all, so I thought this year, I would give a little advice on how to get through all aspects of the holidays in the most sparkling and remarkable way possible. Let's start with the most important part:


Food.
If you do Christmas right, you are bound to gain about 4-6 pounds over the Holidays. In the days leading up to Christmas, try to switch to gin and SODA's (not tonic-- that has calories) instead of cosmos in the evenings. Remember to pace awkwardly when receiving holiday phone calls from distant relatives and be sure to climb up and down the stairs in the process. Pro tip: If you make the phone call, especially in a house full of relatives, you are way more likely to feel awkward and pace around.
Now, if you're doing the cooking, just watch Jamie Oliver's Cracking Christmas ASAP. As a substitute you could read the Pioneer Woman's website. WARNING: Do not watch the show; her lack of personality and sense of humor is enough to make you never want to look at a panini press ever again. Die all of your cookies pink and buy edible sparkles so that everyone at your Christmas parties this year knows you have a signature brand of unnecessary but undeniably charming.

Decorating
Stay away from HomeSense, The Bay, and girl you are not even safe at Canadian Tire. You WILL find expensive adorable Christmas decor and you WILL need to send 12 pictures of said decor to your fiance and he WILL have to threaten to appraise your ring to convince you that you don't need a 12 foot inflatable Christmas cupcake. Pink Christmas Lights, however, are a total need and not a want, so be sure to stock up on about 500 feet of those for indoor and outdoor. Switch out the sticks in the vase by your staircase for more expensive fake snow covered sticks and hey, throw some pinecones in there too. Tacky chic is not a thing and most likely if you bought that horrible glitter garland you thought would be a "funny but classic touch", you'll finally drive by the front of your house one day and realize that it was more like a classic case of Christmas vomit. Put up your tree November 12th so you can slowly decorate your tree at your own leisure, about 6-8 ornaments per day, shuffled 3-4 times to be spaced correctly. Should you have guests over before the holidays, call it shabby chic. Works every single time. 


Gifts.
Make sure you make a list of all the people you have to spend money on, then stare at it and sob for a good hour. Reward family members who actually told you what they wanted and weren't difficult by getting them a slightly cheaper version of what they wanted because you're a human being with mortgage payments and technically a plywood box wrapped in fuzzy blankets is still an ottoman. Give money to charity in the name of anyone who wouldn't tell you what they wanted because if they complain about that they are immediately a scrooge. Also apparently if you buy sketchy pink gas station wrapping paper sometimes you end up with paper that won't stick to tape and you learn you probably should have just sprung for a couple more bucks at Wal-Mart. Just heard that from a friend.
For your inevitable workplace Secret Santa situation you end up in, find out their favorite beverage. Deliver them this beverage, then go with the classically charming board game gift. It's a way to say; "Enjoy some time with your family, and also I am unaware of any of your personal interests."


Family.
Who is the joker that decided the way to celebrate the season of giving and love and joy and hope was to cram everyone in to close quarters and make them share a bathroom? Go for many walks, forget things at the grocery store, and be sure to use your newfound food intolerance's as an excuse to sit in the bathroom and scroll instagram. Do full makeup and hair because you need to take a lot of pictures, regardless of what comments your older relatives may make about you being on your phone and leaving glitter wherever you have flipped your hair; everyone will enjoy those memories for years to come, even if it's just a blurry picture of your cousin shotgunning a beer on the deck. And for the sake of the season pretend you all share the same political views. Please. 


Your attitude.
The Holidays, most importantly, are a time to be grateful. The fact that you have a house to decorate, food to eat, money to give gifts, a family to spend it with....these are all things that not everyone has. It it so important that no matter how annoying your relatives are or if your mom burnt the brussel sprouts (seriously why are you upset? That's the worst part of the meal) or your coworker got you a fruit cake, you remember you are so fortunate that you are participating in the season in any way. Be happy and grateful, and for god's sake don't forget to sparkle! 


xox

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