The Heartbreak Formula

When I was thirteen, I was dumped for the first time, and obviously my life was over. A friend of mine suggested that I read a book called “30 Days to Getting over the Dork you Used to Call Your Boyfriend” by a lady named Clea Hantman; a masterpiece that is literally selling used on amazon for one cent plus shipping these days. Okay I can’t really speak to it being a masterpiece, because I actually only read one page of it, thinking I was cured of all of my heartbreak. This genius of a lady told me that the first step to avoiding heartbreak was knowing that my relationships most likely wouldn’t last forever. IT WAS A TOTAL REVOLUTION: All I needed to do was remember that moving forward and I would never ever be hurt again, and maybe as an added plus I would develop commitment issues and never connect with another human for fear of it ending.

Well, as much as miss Hantman was trying to help, the bigger problem was that this idea sounded much better when I was single than even minutes into a crush. I’m sorry, but after a first kiss with a guy, I don’t go home, climb into bed, think “ah, how insignificant and temporary this is” and drift into a comfortable sleep. I get excited, I get hopeful, I start really enjoying this person’s company, I make them a part of my every day, my plans, I start an album on my phone of all of the cute quotes I’m going to send them every day. It’s not as easy as reading a few pages of a book for the next month after to feel better when that all goes away. Sorry, Clea, but you can kiss my ass.

Just like relationships, breakups are going to look different for everyone, but I’ve learned a few things about them that sure made it easier as the years and boys rolled by. After my heart's been broken, I just try to remember and apply my Three F’s: Feelings, Friends, and Freedom IN THAT ORDER. Let’s take a walk through with the Queen herself to help:

Source: http://giphy.com/gifs/beyonce-lemonade-26AHtpSFcSc1zLFQI

Feelings

I can’t stand when people think it's comforting to say things like "this is for the best" and "just accept it and move on" and "he isn't worth your tears" and "you have Ben and Jerry's Rocky Road on your face please stop crying". Guess what? I have every right to be sad for more than a day about my breakup. I'm allowed to be angry and bitter when he gets a new girl WAY too soon, I'm allowed to miss the good times, I am allowed to take time to heal and figure it all out while listening to The Fray and Beyonce. I can't believe how often I still see posts on all different kinds of media telling girls to just "hold their head high and don't let anyone see you cry"-- screw that! I am allowed to be sad when I'm sad! What people should be preaching about is the dangers of how you express how you feel at this time. I'm pretty sure queen Bey is one of the only people who has the reason and right to go around smashing cars and driving monster trucks after she's been wronged: I think the mistake I've made in breakups is not being sad for too long, but in trying to make him feel bad by constantly reaching out to him or posting for all to see about how broken up I am or possibly trying to make the new girlfriend's life hell. Even though they were all idiots for leaving me, they didn't deserve to be pulled in over and over.....they kind of gave up that responsibility when they dumped me. And none of the new girlfriends were my friends...they had no reason to stay away from him if they felt for him, because he was single. That is what I "needed to accept and move on" from-- not my feelings, but the fact that it's over. From there comes the time you need for the feelings, and then comes the next F.

Source: http://giphy.com/gifs/beyonce-mv-formation-l4KhM9EDArm6dwSxq

Friends

Once I've had a bit of time to feel the sad and angry feels, it comes time to start taking steps to feeling happy ones. Disclaimer: It's important to know who your real friends are at this point, but you'll know pretty quickly. No word of a lie, I had "friends" in high school who as I got dumped went and chugged a bunch of beer and spent the night at my house completely ignoring me as I cried in my bed. My real friends were the ones who asked how I was doing, who tried to get me out of the house and do fun things and not re-start the P.S I Love You DVD over for the 400th time, or who even joined me for a cry and wiped my mascara off of my face. The most important thing I've learned about this F: my friends would get pretty sick of asking me to hang out if I kept wanting to having a pity party by myself and turning them down, because it's just as much my job to get my ass out with my friends as it's theirs to ask. Even if I wasn't totally feeling it, I learned that forcing myself out of bed and seeing my girls was the only way I'd start having fun and wanting to do it more often. The only way you'll start to feel good again is if you let yourself, and as much as you have the right to feel sad, you have the responsibility to build yourself back up, no matter how long that takes or how little the steps you need to take to do it are. You'll get there, so get in formation*.

*If any of you go through a breakup this summer you have literally the best songs to get angry to and turn up with your girls with on Beyonce's Lemonade album. 

Here's the other part of the Friends F: he isn't going to be my friend. You want to know how many of my exes I'm friends with today? 0. Want to know how many exes I tried to be friends with? All of them. It's something I've always done as a (somewhat desperate) last attempt not to lose the guy completely because I'm sad it's over, but it's pretty hard to say "Good, you?" instead of "DYING ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE YOU'VE COMPLETELY BROKEN MY HEART AND FEELING LIKE I'LL NEVER LOVE AGAIN." to the "friend" you just spent half a year dating and sleeping with (sorry moms). The breakups where I skipped the friend stage were the ones where I had a much easier time adjusting to them not being in my life because get this: they were no longer a part of my life! Girlfriends > Exes EVERY TIME.

Source: http://giphy.com/gifs/justin-beyonce-slay-i-3o6gb88EFZEuiCrgB2

Freedom

Also known as the flaunting or fabulous stage, the third F is obvious but I know I get so caught up in the sadness and healing and jealousy that I forget how seriously great I am on my own. The biggest and most positive change I've ever made in my life was after the most brutal breakup I ever had. When it was forced on me in such a dramatic way, I was kind of smacked in the face with my "loneliness", but it was the best look at myself I had in a long time, and it made me realize some of the greatest things about myself. It made me realize that I was strong, that I was independent, and that if I could get through that god-awful relationship, I could get through anything. It made me realize that wonderful family and friends I had around me, and that I wanted to make some changes to my boundaries and the way I related to people around me. It was scary at first, I was terrified, I didn't really want to have to stare at myself, but I ended up loving and caring for what I saw.

Another part of freedom is that if you're ready, if you want to, you can get back out there! Something about getting dumped, no matter who it's by, makes me feel so undesirable and different.....but I'm the same. Sad, a bit hurt, but still completely fabulous. Just because this dumb ass didn't want me definitely doesn't mean no one else will! Even when I've been the one who breaks it off, there have been times where I feel like I shouldn't be with other people "because I just got out of something serious"-- ugh, so dramatic. Please refer to my very first blog entry for more on this very simple point: DATING SHOULD BE FUN. Get back out there and have some, just as long as you're respecting yourself and taking care of yourself. A word from the not-so-wise: if you're going to try to date someone just to make him jealous, you're going to be wasting a lot of your time and energy, and hurting innocent people in the process. Do it for you. 

Well ladies, gents, everyone else, I hope you can use the three F's and may it always lead to you remembering you are fabulous. Thank you so much for reading, please suggest a mess and subscribe, and don't forget to Sparkle!

xox