Win a date with Hannah Barrett

Take that, all of the people who looked down their nose at me when I started dating in grade seven! Now people want me to give dating advice! WOO!! SAGE WISDOM!! IN YOUR FACE!!

…..I’m sorry, I take it back, not in your face PLEASE KEEP READING.

For me, dating is something that has changed so much over time. And yes, I am currently dating my ninth grade boyfriend, but that whole process wasn't exactly a fairytale, and there was a lot of learning in the middle. So I’m going help you understand what I’ve learned about dating by walking you through, beginning to end, a relationship with me. You, dear reader, will play the part of my suitor, which I know is a total dream for you. I'll also let you know my major red flag areas at the end that you can use and adjust as you wish! So imagine you are now swiping right on my tinder profile…..

Obviously you think I’m a catch, probably because of my stunning wit, and you’d like to get closer to me, so you know what we should do? Something fun. Dating is supposed to be fun. Yes, eventually this could lead to something serious, but it's supposed to be fun first! Even if you aren't necessarily "my type" (named Harry Styles) but you want to take me bowling instead of watch a movie at your moms? Sold. I mean, you're already on strike 2 what with you actually being 6 inches shorter than you said and asking me how much the drink I ordered costs, but I'm not texting the code word to my best friend yet. When I was younger I basically just wanted fall so madly in love with someone it would inspire a John Mayer song, so I just fell hard and fast for anyone. Like seriously, all they had to do was drive me to Tim Hortons and buy me a tea. A TEA. That's, like, the cheapest thing they have. WELL NO MORE—if you don’t think I deserve a fabulous date right off the bat, you probably won’t think I deserve anything fabulous at all, and you’re wrong.  And no, I don’t mean shower me in diamonds and take me to a steak house (though, I mean, you could…), I mean make me laugh! Let's walk by the river and drink wine out of go-cups, let’s go to a board game café, let’s go for coffee and people watch, or go skating, or go to museum and pretend we know what we’re looking at…. because I don’t want to sit in your living room while you talk about yourself and I grill you for information. Obviously that’s going to be our third date.

Oh, and let me just say I probably won’t sleep with you. I have never been gratified by casual sex, and guess what? I’m allowed to say no. Hey, other girls might be in to sex on the first date and that’s totally okay if that’s what makes them feel good! But that's not me, so you better keep it in your pants tonight, reader. Netflix and chill is off the table, unless by chill you mean listen to me tell you about job and my favourite movies we aren’t watching.

So now we’ve been dating for a few months and we spend a lot more of our time just hanging out together talking, learning new things together, and getting more comfortable around each other. Of course, there's still little dates and nice gestures because a girl needs to feel appreciated! I tell you about my friends and my zumba class and how badly I want to lose ten pounds, and you tell me all about the video games you play and your friends and about your ridiculous metabolism like seriously you should be 500 pounds. We argue here and there like when you were supposed to pick me up at 7:30 and showed up at 8:00 and didn't apologize right away, or when I came home after ladies night and woke you up to talk about my makeup looking SO good when you had to work the next morning. But we both know when we’ve been wrong and we always say sorry in the end. You know what the best thing is, reader? You never make me feel guilty for telling you how I feel.You also never cancel our plans because you want to see me just as much as I want to see you, because as we both know, anyone who actually wants to see you makes the time to do so. I also really like that you like when I text you when we’re apart, and you especially admire that I only text you a few times per day rather than the 300000 times I’d like to send you hilarious pictures I see on Instagram or my flawless selfies. You don’t guilt me for being “too into you” or “not chill enough” because you wouldn’t be dating me if you didn’t want me to be in to you, and if you can’t handle this intensity what the hell are you still doing here?

Ah. So…. You’re breaking up with me. Well, I’ll give you back most of your clothes but I’m stealing something and then when I’m over you I’ll probably just throw it out. I’m sad, lonely, and a bit confused, but hey if you're willing to let me go you don't really deserve to keep me around anyway. We both know the whole “still friends thing” won’t work, so I’m not going to text you about it, or talk to you at all really. Not until I’m over you, which is going to take some time with my friends, some ice cream, screaming Adele in my car whilst sobbing, and possibly a rebound. But this part is all for another blog entry, so, thanks for the memories.

Well, we had some good times reader, but I think we’ve both moved on. Now that we’ve had time to heal, let me walk you through the three potential red flag areas we grazed over:

1. I'm allowed to say no. If you are going to make me feel bad for not wanting to have sex, you do not deserve to have me EVER. I spent a lot of years telling myself that a guy wanting to spend any time with me meant he was worthy of having my body in the most intimate way possible—that things were “serious” enough to let him have that piece of me. Know what I ended up with? A lot of missing pieces that didn’t text back and didn’t look me in the eye again. Sex isn’t a service, it’s an intimate act between partners that both people should want. So back it up, reader. You’ll get it when I damn well want you to.

2. Telling you about my life. I wanted to point out that while you were dating me I had a life outside of our relationship to tell you about, and you did too. For me, if I realize I haven't been seeing my friends much, or that I haven't done one of my hobbies in a long time, or even worse, that YOU don't seem to have any friends, that's a big red flag for me. It isn't normal that the people who were in my life before you ALL became assholes when we started dating..... so the reason I'm not seeing them is me, and more specifically my relationship, especially if you didn't seem to "like" anyone I brought you around. And if you have no friends or interests....well.... you're probably an ass too. 

3. You never make me feel guilty for telling you how I feel. Our fights were normal, because arguments are normal. But there's something that isn't normal. Let's say that time I was upset that you came late, you didn't end up apologizing. Maybe instead, you decided to get angry and tell me that it was stupid that I felt upset. Maybe then you would launch into why I should be happy you came at all, or that you're still with me despite me being so emotional and crazy. Maybe that tangent continues to take a jab at my female emotionality, or something completely irrelevant to the situation like my sexual history or my mental health. Maybe you start doing that every time I try to let you know I'm upset. That's not a fight, that's called emotional abuse. Unfortunately, I was once in a situation where I let someone do just that for a very long time, and soon I no longer believed I deserved any better. I believed him-- that I shouldn't dare bring up my discomfort or concerns because I should just be lucky anyone even wanted me. But now, I know what I deserve, and it is someone who will hear me out and let me feel what I feel. I finally built my self-love back up and I am never going to let anyone make me feel bad for who I am ever again. So that's why you let me be upset when you're late and apologize. That's why you don't make fun of me for feeling lonely as soon as you leave for the night. Not only because you actually care for me, but because I wouldn't settle for anything less.

*Please notice also that the red flag areas really started popping up not at the beginning when it was new and fun, but once we were together a few months, when I started getting to know the real you. 

Well guys, it got pretty messy, maybe even a little serious, but I hope it was the mess you were looking for. Keep suggesting messes for next week, and don't forget to sparkle!

xoxox